breasts of tofu

breast of tofu. a somewhat titillating title. it has a certain ring to it, a certain je ne sais quois, don't you think? breast of tofu. in my mind's eye i spy prosthetic breasts constructed of extra firm pressed tofu; mutated, chernobyl-irradiated blocks of tofu sprouting weird eye stalks and other breasticular bodyparts; ghost images of pale, flaccid, man-tittied men leisurely strolling the boardwalks, amusement parks and carnivals of this great land, licking at chocolate dipped soft ice cream cones. breast of tofu. a tasty dish indeed.

but don't let my over-active imagination scare you off, for this is a bryanna grogan recipe. and, as i'm sure you're all well aware, bryanna is nothing if not consistent in the tastes-good vegan cooking department. ignore the crass visual rambling of my hormone addled brain. i've thought about trying this out for ages but never seemed to get around to it. probably because marination is involved (yes, i know that's not a real word, but i don't care, i like it anyway). this in turn involves planning ahead. planning ahead is not my greatest strength. as you might gather from my present, um, condition.

if you allow the tofu to steep long enough, the marinade really imparts a delicious, chicken-y flavor into the tofu "meat", which can be echoed in the seasoned flour coating if you spice it up accordingly. byranna says that the tofu may be allowed to frolic in these delicious juices for up to two weeks, but after about one mere week my tofu started to dissolve. which was a little too organic for my generally antiseptic refrigerator. perhaps my tofu was already a bit long in the tooth, or not of the extra firm variety, but in any case, a day is sufficient for getting a pretty good flavor injection. you can freeze the leftover marinade for the next time (but you might want to boil it after defrosting, just to kill off any germies that might be lurking about). i served this with mashed potatoes and broccoli rabe satueed in garlic and red pepper flakes. the patties could make a good sandwich too, if there are any leftovers, which has yet to happen in my house.

breast of tofu
1 1/2 cups water
1/4 cup soy sauce
3 Tablespoons nutritional yeast flakes
2 teaspoons dried sage
1/2 teaspoon each: dried rosemary, dried thyme, onion powder
2 lbs extra firm tofu

place all ingredients except tofu in a plastic container with a tight fitting lid. slice the tofu into 1/4" thick slices and drop into the marinade. the liquid should cover all the slices. let sit in the refrigerator overnight or at least for a few hours (bryanna says this can say in the marinade for up to two weeks as long as you shake it daily). when ready to cook, dredge the slices in seasoned flour (just a bit of flour with salt, pepper, and whatever other seasoning you want). shake off excess flour and either pan fry in a bit of oil until golden on each side, or oven fry at 400 on pan sprayed, dark cookie sheets (the darker metal conducts more heat and makes for a crispier finish) until golden. this should take about 15 minutes on each side.

margarine and toasted white bread

bunnyfoot has been silent for quite some time now. why, you might wonder? what is to blame for this sloth and inactivity? and has it been coupled with a disregard for personal hygine?

yes. and white bread. i blame it all on white bread. toasted. slathered with earth-balance margarine. creepy, eh? i disappeared in order to protect you all. i did it for your own good. i mean, who really wants to see post after post after post of toasted white bread? granted you can pretty it up by cutting it into cute little shapes. maybe you could even supplement the margarine with a smear of homemade jam, but at the end of the day, it's just a big, bland, fluffy cracker, lacking in culinary, nutritional and asthetic appeal. you should note that my mainstay has not been of the crusty baguette type pictured above, but, oh wonders of wonder, um, the rather infamous wonder bread.

and why has bunnyfoot been gorging on this abomination? no, not poverty. nor has my kitchen burned down. and my teeth didn't fall out either. you see, in a somewhat ironic coincidence, bunnyfoot began working at a family planning agency, and managed to get herself knocked up at the same time. there must've been something in the water cooler...

and so, to make a short story long, for the past many months the, um, the fetus has been wanting to eat toasted white bread. slathered with margarine. and i, the toast munching host, began a new job. then we four (host, fetus, feline and male) moved out of our tiny 1 bedroom apartment into more spacious digs. but to be honest, mostly i've been freaking out, dreaming of cigarettes and booze, and, um, toasting bread.

but now that i'm settled into the job, moved into the new pad and more or less resigned to a cocktail free future (the DTs have almost worn off), you'll be hearing from me more often. and just in case you were worried, fret not, for i shan't become one of those maternally-demented, estrogen-driven cooing machines whipping out strips of sears portrait studio photos, reels of home videos, and streaming u-tube clips of pooh-stained diapers at the slightest provocation. i intend to remain the same cynical, bitter little melon that i've always been.

before i get back to posting about the subject at hand, here is a little scene from a recent trip up to the great, green pacific northwest. a sweet little family nibbling on plums and grapes in my pappy's front yard.


it was real cute until one of the neighbors' kids broke out the pellet gun. ah, the country life....